• Christopher Fagan

Snake Eye Movie Review: Boring F--king Ninjas



Chris and Jason watched an advance screening of the Snake Eyes movie. Here is the conversation they had in the car right after the movie ended.


Chris: Bottom line I have never been more bored with a bunch of ninjas and motorcycles in my life. I swear I dozed off twice.


Jason: I looked over there I looked at you and I was like “is he sleep”.


Chris: from the beginning how it was set up. You know what, the character's motivation is why they are doing what he's doing. even I thought that was um because it began with a flashback, and then it led into a fight scene. usually, with action movies, you would start with the fight scene, and then in the middle of it maybe you start flashing back, or maybe throughout the movie they'll start flashing back. I thought that would have worked better but I mean hey whatever the direction is what the direction. but I felt like this movie was I don't know what it was trying to what it was trying. to uh at times I felt like was it trying to be as old school kung fu movies, was it trying to be old school 80s, or was it trying I don't know what it was trying to be but the only thing that accomplished with me was just boring I'm bored but I don't know about you


Jason: it confused me you know what I think it was trying to compare itself to or try to be like mortal combat.


Chris: I thought of motor combat in a minute I didn't like motor con I liked it enough I didn't like it like that like that's what I wanted to but then in the middle of it I was like I like mortal Kombat better than this way better it was too I was like it.


Jason: it had so many things in it that was like okay explain how is this happening what is going on it was like it's too fantastical there's a lot of fans.


Chris: overcomplicating and oversimplifying things at the same time how do you do that this is over complicated and the plot is just straight up like simple at the same time like

Jason: whoever wrote this movie terrible writing.


Chris: the screenplay was not well written and I was hoping that it was just because for the most part it stayed just focused on like snake uh storm shadow how they that part of it that how they're I like a story where the hero and the future villain or whatever they first they become friends and then they spread a play you know something happens I love a story like that it makes it very it makes it that much more compelling and deep but even how like okay I know storm shadow is our g as our joe and every everything but dude everything yeah snake eyes is our joe and everything but everything that he was doing. how many chances does a mother get I'm sorry I am sorry I don't want to spoil it but dude there is no [ __ ] way.


Jason: I just knew that he's like "we're gonna kill you".


Chris: I'm like I never thought in my life that I'd be like yeah store shadow got some points I remember the cartoon and I remember them beef but I never I was a kid I never understood why they hated each other because I don't beat them.


Jason: but they deviated so much from the original horse material yeah I feel I feel so I like from me from the cartoon of the comics was both of them yeah both they just said hey we gonna do what we want to do and I thought this was brand new for and it seemed like they okay when I was first starting to watch it I was like okay they're making this for adults because it's a lot of talking and a lot of explaining that if a kid came they would be lost yeah exactly right I'm done.

Chris: Because it's taking too long for the ninjas to be cool like how do you do that how do you bore somebody with ninjas.


Jason: And then probably like the middle is like it got real fantastical and I'm like okay this is for a child this is too fantastical.


Chris: the cartoon was more sophisticated and yes and still kept the child's interest yes way better than this oh man I mean I don't care if you take away from the source material a little bit if you're trying to make the best movie and all that but I remember as a kid they would have some lessons and stuff that your parents would be like appreciative that they were teaching the kids they kept the interest.


Jason: one good thing I'm a say about this is that they cast it well but even though they cast well with these the actors who played they I guess they just said hey we gonna do the best we can with what y'all giving us because I feel like they the people that they cast it was excellent.


Chris: I feel like they cast it well all the way to the baron to scarlet and the baroness but I felt like they looked great but the second scarlet started tossing I was like no like like she was unbelievable it was like the part where they when they finally started to weave in gi joe and cobra I was thinking this was unnecessary like it this could have been explained at the very end as a little easter egg thing like oh by the way here comes joe that was cobra this was yeah all done by under the yeah under the web, of course, like I felt like they didn't even have to mention it or that at all but the second they mentioned it and it became a part of that then it became all became unbelievable

Jason: it was an eye-roller.


Chris: Yeah it was it was so forced it was like I thought I thought the only time even though I was getting bored I was like okay I'm bored but at least they're keeping it focused on to snake eye and on just on the origin story but the second they said joe and the second they said cobra I was like yeah like you said wrong.

Jason: I'm a super huge gi joe fan like I that's what I collect that's my collection my toy collection and everything it's gi joe I can tell by whoever wrote this whoever produced this whoever got this together they just started reading it like this yes they just said let's get somewhere yeah let me get the couple of books in and take what I like and uh okay let's go they didn't do their diligence and research and really put in what is cool about snake eyes and storm shadow they just oh we like this element, yeah and I always said if they and this is g.I joe as a whole if they went back and placed gi joe movies in the 80s like yeah we originated this this this.


Chris: this would have made more sense if it would sit back in time back back in the day and whatnot but they're always trying to force everything to be modern yeah you know and the question came up on the channel uh a minute ago like this is a perfect example of a question that came up a minute ago about i did a video about movies that the definition of camping and tropes so this movie was very campy very candid but they used a lot of tropes like the trope the the definition of a trope is a thing like some a tool or a plot point that's inside the uh the movie that that's been like for example the whole uh the two the two uh people who are destined to be villains well enemies start off as brothers they're friends that's a trope that was used in within the movie and and it was like it was so many it was so many of the examples like that but that was the only one i was focused on i was like that was that was really the only part of it that that worked but at the same time within this trope of that of that part of the story it was like then the camping it started to kick in about with the bad dialogue between them and stuff the forced posing and uh and everything the only time the posing and all that stuff was done uh to me was done uh for right was when old boy from the raid uh showed up oh yeah.


Jason: yeah tony johnson.


Chris: dude I didn't know he was going to be in I didn't know you said the same reaction when we saw him we were like.


Jason: Oh that's what made me think oh this movie gonna be tight

Chris: everybody seeing every scene with him was great it was great, yeah but everything else around I mean I mean you could tell he probably had some help with that he helped a lot out with a lot of the fight scenes because the fight scenes were done were pretty good and stuff but it was just that as the force like love connections a little bit was too much see they love.


Jason: they really lost me with that because I felt like she would have killed him I felt like she was going to turn into a villain this was for real she had been like she killed him like on day one yeah because of the way they started her off was oh oh I don't trust this fool yeah and then all of a sudden.


Chris: a couple yeah a couple of looks like granny forgives him one time oh part of the family, oh oh I saw you do something bad again with my own eyes yeah I'll forget oh wait but he's helping us now no like like dude I'm like this was real snake guys would have died halfway through the movie.


Jason: And I'm gonna say this if she's the head of the security they need to get secure.


Chris: the only the only fun thing that this movie did was i like it when i'm in a situation where i got a kind of root for the future bad guy well i'm like yeah like i'm watching when i'm watching transform i'm like i'm like yeah megatron's an [ __ ] like star scream i'm starting to see why he trying to take over like yeah i'm starting to see why storm shadow is mad as hell like dude come on dude if it was being totally disrespected totally disrespected but i don't know that's that's that's all i'll say is right here as far as so i don't give too much away but overall no i don't i don't see if uh if they're trying to force because they're rebooting transformers this is the start of a reboot of gi joe up there the only thing i'm going to be hopeful for is if this turns into a possible crossover even if it's terrible i still want to see joe joe and transformers finally get together maybe that's what they're setting us up for that's the oh that's the only thing i'm going to hope for if for more of these movies i don't want anymore.


Jason: what's sad about this movie is the timing that is coming out it's during this pandemic and we went to see it at the screening and it was holly it's probably nobody uh maybe.


Chris: nobody from the press showed up yeah that much was like maybe four or five of us uh out there but I promise I'll do my review and all that I'm not surprised that too many people ain't show up but at the same time with things kind of opening up especially here in texas the people are still a free movie I thought people would show up.


Jason: I really thought a lot of people were looking for it because the trailers for this movie looked awesome.


Chris: the style is great yeah the the the uh the uh designs the set design it was just but what was the direction the cinematography like the way that the the way uh things were shot the clothing line i mean they they did a great job set design they did a great job but the right the writing the writing the directing the writing the point yeah that was bad yeah well that's not all though sorry man that's how i feel about it i'll have high hopes for it i was i came in positive and i looked at I looked at jason i was like what you what's your expectation very low I wish mine's worse and i came they can't be going back and making those same mistakes they are yeah they yeah they should have probably started with a different uh character maybe joe himself maybe um hell even uh even a a scarlet movie might have been a better idea but now but if this is our scarlett i'm not interested i'm not interested in the scarlet man i was it's bad when i was more interested in baroness than her and then uh scarlet not by much i mean she was more entertaining but i mean look obviously look wise. she was spot on but the second she writing her dialogue just had to be better yeah because the second he got into the action I just was out of it that's that's our reaction to it sorry if that's not what you was hoping to hear but uh do I can I recommend this one, no I can't I would say wait till you can stream it and uh see it then but as far if you're looking for a positive reboot to the franchise I don't think this is it I had more fun with that first job joe movie and that was crazy but that's how I feel about it let me know what you guys think in the comments below after you guys see it on Friday and until next time peace

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